My God! says Jesus

There is so much breadth to what I am pondering in this one post. I simply want to post what came to me today, without diving into more on Jesus and sin.

On the cross, Jesus says, twice, "My God!, My God!" When I read it, I ponder this thought. I feel like Jesus is saying, at the point of total silence from God (and hence the full weight of our sin), in my words, "Oh my gosh, is this what it feels like to them, to be completely without your presence, bearing the sin in their souls." It was a realization followed by a realization, perhaps, "You are my God." A declaration of sorts.

As the substitute for us, Jesus follows with "Why have you forsaken me?" I think Jesus in His full humanity, cried that out in true anguish, but not fear. Because He had preceded it with a declaration. Jesus was prepared for this. He obviously had to be. He knew who His God was, He knew the outcome of everything, and He knew His God would save.

That is how I felt in the latest manic episode I endured. I had fear and panic, yes, because I feared for my life - not physical but material. I have a strong will to live. Unlike the early years of this. But, I also know there is a time to heal. Much like how trees shed their leaves for a season of hibernation, the Spring will bring new buds (or fruit) that bear leaves. It is a process of nature that can be reflected in a believer's life. I knew throughout this episode, that God would restore, that God would calm the storm. I was merely impatient at His timing and teaching through it all. And, of course, I still have a bit of craving for material comfort in me, complicating my thoughts and placing fear in my heart.

I am able now to walk through a storm, and draw upon the Spirit to see the good in all things. Because I know God is at work. In this case, I feel His timing to return home to be near family. Something I and they have all longed for. Breaking my ties to the Dallas area is difficult.

I still don't know why it happened this way. Merely that it is not God's way to teach me through such chaos. He could have done it more gently. And, I was not in some type of stubborn rebellion to have caused. I was living peaceable and obediently. I struggled with some wrong behaviors, but I was never out of commune with him. So, all I can say is that I have been in a battle for my life and sanity since I went to the spiritual cult. Hence, I come back to the reality that there is a spiritual battle. But, greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world, human or demon.

I am grateful for many new beginnings, and for the leading and peace of God to get me home to Virginia. There, I know, the cult's influence will be diminished because of lack of proximity, and my pursuit to counter their lies through scripture will become more complete. God has restored my vision for a future, and I look forward to greater peace and joy as I travel from here.