Recently, I was misled by someone that cost me something dear to me. I found myself careful throughout, praying and seeking God. Feeling what I presumed to be His presence when around this person. I began to follow what I then thought to be Spirit leadings more than my reason. It crushed me that God would allow this to happen, when I sought him as purely and diligently as I could.
So, now I find myself out of church. Hurt by the way my church family responded about this person and acted towards me. It seems the more I seek to do His will the more I get hurt. I'm doing something wrong or I really need to evaluate my understanding of God.
I've been the best of bible students. I know the Word, I've been in many different settings, all trying to uncover the mystery of God. But I find at each juncture of failure or hurt or trauma, that God becomes illusive to me. I no longer trust in the idea of His presence or voice. I rethink what I know, I evaluate what I've learned. I seek to understand the truth while engaged in the seeking of the knowing of myself.
I've wandered and it is what I want right now. I can't decide if I'm living to medicate pain or living to find myself. Either way, I struggle to connect with God because it is something I once knew to pagan and not acceptable.
I also find myself deep thinking of the future based on teh present. Evaluating possible outcomes in order to anticipate changes. Ever feel like a little mental preparation of what could be lessen the pain and surprise of change. Like a learned positive reaction is more possible. Yet in the moment of evaluating, do you find yourself a bit solemn if not depressed?
So, what is better - to anticipate or to live for today. In my tendency to anticipate it is then depression easily comes, yet I am the type of person that can have only one passion or pursuit at a time. So, is it more wise to anticipate so I can adapt and not breakdown at the pitfalls we encounter?
I'm thinking deeply tonight mostly stemming from evaluating a relationship with a man. And trying to figure out what I want at the same time. We seem to be in the same boat there and at times I find it weird and unsecure. Other times, I feel comfortable because he is so attentive and available.
Blessings to those who read this rambling of my spiritual excitements!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
A Bit Disillusioned
This is a more personal post than normal. Today, after a discouraging event in my life, I find myself wondering if God is really as I have known Him. I have teetered between the denominational scene and the charismatic scene, and always find more hurt in a church than by non-church-goers. In the Methodist tradition I felt stifled on how to worship God and longing for more people who'd sow into my life than just at social gatherings. In the charismatic church, I find people hear from God too much. It seems they take license to speak into your life in ways that are not always receivable. The excitement of the charismatic church draws me, but the calm security of a denominational church beckons.
Yet, I find myself today, wary of any church at all. I am tired of rules about this or that, ways of being that must be followed to be a good Christian. I am tired of leadership being comprised of the most likeable, not always the most heart qualified.
Overall, I am disappointed in God and how things keep going wrong in my life, despite my pursuit of Him and diligent prayer. Yet, I find myself a stronger person as I weather each storm. Stronger in my own way, if not a little more independent of God. Is that growing up in the Lord, or backsliding. I'm not sure which!
Seems I just have to continue to trust in myself to pull through and in the promise of eternal life on the other end of this one...
Yet, I find myself today, wary of any church at all. I am tired of rules about this or that, ways of being that must be followed to be a good Christian. I am tired of leadership being comprised of the most likeable, not always the most heart qualified.
Overall, I am disappointed in God and how things keep going wrong in my life, despite my pursuit of Him and diligent prayer. Yet, I find myself a stronger person as I weather each storm. Stronger in my own way, if not a little more independent of God. Is that growing up in the Lord, or backsliding. I'm not sure which!
Seems I just have to continue to trust in myself to pull through and in the promise of eternal life on the other end of this one...
Saturday, August 1, 2009
The Least Shall Be Greatest
The seminar, as I reflect, taught me something else too. One speaker commented that testimonials were a powerful part of any presentation. While you want a person who can be succinct and practiced, you don't want to disqualify a testimonial simply because it doesn't resonate "top earner" or "fastest team builder". There are people who genuinely come with fears that when relatable to a testimonial will break through the ice.
Spiritually speaking, success is not measured by the dollar. How is it measured, I ponder? To a person who is not Christian, I'd say it is measured by how many times you get up when you've fallen. To a Christian, success is realizing that you were once fallen and now risen. This attitude should resonate in all we do. We are conquerors. We are kings and queens. We have been given the ultimate gift.
Furthermore, when we honor the least of us, we honor Christ. When we are not ashamed of the lesser of us, we walk in His love. But, success is something we can all attain because it is attitude. And the best thing you can do on this earth is teach someone else they have worth, and help them grow to be a leader themselves.
Spiritually speaking, success is not measured by the dollar. How is it measured, I ponder? To a person who is not Christian, I'd say it is measured by how many times you get up when you've fallen. To a Christian, success is realizing that you were once fallen and now risen. This attitude should resonate in all we do. We are conquerors. We are kings and queens. We have been given the ultimate gift.
Furthermore, when we honor the least of us, we honor Christ. When we are not ashamed of the lesser of us, we walk in His love. But, success is something we can all attain because it is attitude. And the best thing you can do on this earth is teach someone else they have worth, and help them grow to be a leader themselves.
Worldly Powers Fear
As I sat in a training seminar today for a new business venture, the speaker spoke of how all network marketing businesses go through stages of ridicule and then violent opposition. She said that we were rapidly approaching the violent opposition phase, and to be grounded in your dreams and in the facts.
As I waited on my dinner to be served at my favorite restaurant, I flipped open my pocket bible to the New Testament. What I saw was John 15:1-25. While the first parts of that speak to our grounding in Jesus as the vine, Jesus' words in verse 18 struck me.
"If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.
(John 15:18)
Jesus was hated because He tore at the very fabric of Jewish establishment. The leaders of the Jewish, who ruled tyranically over their own kind, hated Jesus out of fear that their prosperity and position would be threatened. They were blind to the type of life they could live in if only they'd lead as free men, rather than enslaved men.
This brought me back to the intense persecution network marketing companies, also known as Multi-Level Marketing, come under at some point if not all the time. What is meant to liberate the people is seen by corporations and those enslaved by the exchange of time and money as a scam. What actually does liberate the people is persecuted and dreams of individuals are lost. See, most people fear freedom. Jesus encountered it. Some because it threatens their position, and others because it threatens their definition of security.
Jesus said the world would hate us because of the message of freedom He brings. That rings similar to what I see as the freedom Network Marketing brings. It is a new frontier and the world doesn't want to see it birth. But, do you realize millions of Americans have been in one or more of these. If all the rest of the people would stop tearing them down, maybe they'd actually get the lifestyle of their dreams.
Jesus sent the disciples out to spread the good news. Aren't we doing the same?
As I waited on my dinner to be served at my favorite restaurant, I flipped open my pocket bible to the New Testament. What I saw was John 15:1-25. While the first parts of that speak to our grounding in Jesus as the vine, Jesus' words in verse 18 struck me.
"If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.
(John 15:18)
Jesus was hated because He tore at the very fabric of Jewish establishment. The leaders of the Jewish, who ruled tyranically over their own kind, hated Jesus out of fear that their prosperity and position would be threatened. They were blind to the type of life they could live in if only they'd lead as free men, rather than enslaved men.
This brought me back to the intense persecution network marketing companies, also known as Multi-Level Marketing, come under at some point if not all the time. What is meant to liberate the people is seen by corporations and those enslaved by the exchange of time and money as a scam. What actually does liberate the people is persecuted and dreams of individuals are lost. See, most people fear freedom. Jesus encountered it. Some because it threatens their position, and others because it threatens their definition of security.
Jesus said the world would hate us because of the message of freedom He brings. That rings similar to what I see as the freedom Network Marketing brings. It is a new frontier and the world doesn't want to see it birth. But, do you realize millions of Americans have been in one or more of these. If all the rest of the people would stop tearing them down, maybe they'd actually get the lifestyle of their dreams.
Jesus sent the disciples out to spread the good news. Aren't we doing the same?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)