Recently, I was misled by someone that cost me something dear to me. I found myself careful throughout, praying and seeking God. Feeling what I presumed to be His presence when around this person. I began to follow what I then thought to be Spirit leadings more than my reason. It crushed me that God would allow this to happen, when I sought him as purely and diligently as I could.
So, now I find myself out of church. Hurt by the way my church family responded about this person and acted towards me. It seems the more I seek to do His will the more I get hurt. I'm doing something wrong or I really need to evaluate my understanding of God.
I've been the best of bible students. I know the Word, I've been in many different settings, all trying to uncover the mystery of God. But I find at each juncture of failure or hurt or trauma, that God becomes illusive to me. I no longer trust in the idea of His presence or voice. I rethink what I know, I evaluate what I've learned. I seek to understand the truth while engaged in the seeking of the knowing of myself.
I've wandered and it is what I want right now. I can't decide if I'm living to medicate pain or living to find myself. Either way, I struggle to connect with God because it is something I once knew to pagan and not acceptable.
I also find myself deep thinking of the future based on teh present. Evaluating possible outcomes in order to anticipate changes. Ever feel like a little mental preparation of what could be lessen the pain and surprise of change. Like a learned positive reaction is more possible. Yet in the moment of evaluating, do you find yourself a bit solemn if not depressed?
So, what is better - to anticipate or to live for today. In my tendency to anticipate it is then depression easily comes, yet I am the type of person that can have only one passion or pursuit at a time. So, is it more wise to anticipate so I can adapt and not breakdown at the pitfalls we encounter?
I'm thinking deeply tonight mostly stemming from evaluating a relationship with a man. And trying to figure out what I want at the same time. We seem to be in the same boat there and at times I find it weird and unsecure. Other times, I feel comfortable because he is so attentive and available.
Blessings to those who read this rambling of my spiritual excitements!
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Please remember my postings are ponderings of truth and of my personal journey. Posts that show anger and sarcasm directed at me or other readers will be removed. Please post in the spirit of Christ or otherwise be mature in your response. Be blessed as you read and respond!