A New Perspective

It seems tonight I have come to a place of understanding and reconciliation with God. I am grateful. I see Him as granting me freedom through bad choices. Sounds a bit backwards, I know. But something that I so fiercely thought was God's leading was a disasterous heartbreak. I turned away for a while. Never forsaking but only reassessing. Knowing unforgettable truths like He makes good of all things.

I made a huge mistake and it cost me dearly financially. But the happenings surrounding this mistake, the words of people, the new open doors, etc, changed how I saw the world, God and myself. And, I wasn't afraid to let go of the past anymore. I found a positive and forever grace-fiilled heart emerged.

Part of this is a distancing from the church. Now having formed my own opinion that church is synonomous with religion, a man-made construct for meeting like-minded people. Or should I even say people looking to become like-minded with someone to fill a void. Harsh?

Let me remind you of the foremost picture of God in the New Testament. I contest it is not love, but grace. With a true understanding of grace comes freedom and peace. Even amongst people. God covered us with grace through Jesus Christ. He already demonstrated His love in the Old Testament. Don't see the love? How long would you ignore infidelity with the one you love before you let them have what they want, and even pay the consequences of their own betrayal.

It is going way deeper than I intended really. I simply wrote tonight to say I am free. And God has blessed me. He went to drastic measures to show me that my spirituality was rotten because it was religion fed me by organized institutions of teachers and pastors also fated as I had been.

I am extremely happy. But, I am still uncovering new understandings that continue to change me. I still face fear at times, whether of the past or of the unknown future. But, over time, I find that fading a new maturity setting in.

I do not condemn church goers. I condemn only that which makes you or I unhappy. If it meets the needs built in you to be met, then god bless your victory.

Life is Waiting

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us. - Joseph Campbell

It seems to me that if I had not faced the greatest storm in my life I wouldn't have been strong enough to find the life I want. I was once a trapped woman, not by anyone but my own messed up thinking. When the storm hit, those impurities were stripped and I see differently now. I choose differently now. It is one of those pieces of life that embody the pursuit of wisdom. Wisdom can only be gained by experience. By engaging the senses. Wisdom is not intellect, that is rationalism.

Seems life is all in the attitude and outlook on today.

A Shift of Heart

Recently, I was misled by someone that cost me something dear to me. I found myself careful throughout, praying and seeking God. Feeling what I presumed to be His presence when around this person. I began to follow what I then thought to be Spirit leadings more than my reason. It crushed me that God would allow this to happen, when I sought him as purely and diligently as I could.

So, now I find myself out of church. Hurt by the way my church family responded about this person and acted towards me. It seems the more I seek to do His will the more I get hurt. I'm doing something wrong or I really need to evaluate my understanding of God.

I've been the best of bible students. I know the Word, I've been in many different settings, all trying to uncover the mystery of God. But I find at each juncture of failure or hurt or trauma, that God becomes illusive to me. I no longer trust in the idea of His presence or voice. I rethink what I know, I evaluate what I've learned. I seek to understand the truth while engaged in the seeking of the knowing of myself.

I've wandered and it is what I want right now. I can't decide if I'm living to medicate pain or living to find myself. Either way, I struggle to connect with God because it is something I once knew to pagan and not acceptable.

I also find myself deep thinking of the future based on teh present. Evaluating possible outcomes in order to anticipate changes. Ever feel like a little mental preparation of what could be lessen the pain and surprise of change. Like a learned positive reaction is more possible. Yet in the moment of evaluating, do you find yourself a bit solemn if not depressed?

So, what is better - to anticipate or to live for today. In my tendency to anticipate it is then depression easily comes, yet I am the type of person that can have only one passion or pursuit at a time. So, is it more wise to anticipate so I can adapt and not breakdown at the pitfalls we encounter?

I'm thinking deeply tonight mostly stemming from evaluating a relationship with a man. And trying to figure out what I want at the same time. We seem to be in the same boat there and at times I find it weird and unsecure. Other times, I feel comfortable because he is so attentive and available.

Blessings to those who read this rambling of my spiritual excitements!

A Bit Disillusioned

This is a more personal post than normal. Today, after a discouraging event in my life, I find myself wondering if God is really as I have known Him. I have teetered between the denominational scene and the charismatic scene, and always find more hurt in a church than by non-church-goers. In the Methodist tradition I felt stifled on how to worship God and longing for more people who'd sow into my life than just at social gatherings. In the charismatic church, I find people hear from God too much. It seems they take license to speak into your life in ways that are not always receivable. The excitement of the charismatic church draws me, but the calm security of a denominational church beckons.

Yet, I find myself today, wary of any church at all. I am tired of rules about this or that, ways of being that must be followed to be a good Christian. I am tired of leadership being comprised of the most likeable, not always the most heart qualified.

Overall, I am disappointed in God and how things keep going wrong in my life, despite my pursuit of Him and diligent prayer. Yet, I find myself a stronger person as I weather each storm. Stronger in my own way, if not a little more independent of God. Is that growing up in the Lord, or backsliding. I'm not sure which!

Seems I just have to continue to trust in myself to pull through and in the promise of eternal life on the other end of this one...

The Least Shall Be Greatest

The seminar, as I reflect, taught me something else too. One speaker commented that testimonials were a powerful part of any presentation. While you want a person who can be succinct and practiced, you don't want to disqualify a testimonial simply because it doesn't resonate "top earner" or "fastest team builder". There are people who genuinely come with fears that when relatable to a testimonial will break through the ice.

Spiritually speaking, success is not measured by the dollar. How is it measured, I ponder? To a person who is not Christian, I'd say it is measured by how many times you get up when you've fallen. To a Christian, success is realizing that you were once fallen and now risen. This attitude should resonate in all we do. We are conquerors. We are kings and queens. We have been given the ultimate gift.

Furthermore, when we honor the least of us, we honor Christ. When we are not ashamed of the lesser of us, we walk in His love. But, success is something we can all attain because it is attitude. And the best thing you can do on this earth is teach someone else they have worth, and help them grow to be a leader themselves.

Worldly Powers Fear

As I sat in a training seminar today for a new business venture, the speaker spoke of how all network marketing businesses go through stages of ridicule and then violent opposition. She said that we were rapidly approaching the violent opposition phase, and to be grounded in your dreams and in the facts.

As I waited on my dinner to be served at my favorite restaurant, I flipped open my pocket bible to the New Testament. What I saw was John 15:1-25. While the first parts of that speak to our grounding in Jesus as the vine, Jesus' words in verse 18 struck me.

"If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you.
(John 15:18)

Jesus was hated because He tore at the very fabric of Jewish establishment. The leaders of the Jewish, who ruled tyranically over their own kind, hated Jesus out of fear that their prosperity and position would be threatened. They were blind to the type of life they could live in if only they'd lead as free men, rather than enslaved men.

This brought me back to the intense persecution network marketing companies, also known as Multi-Level Marketing, come under at some point if not all the time. What is meant to liberate the people is seen by corporations and those enslaved by the exchange of time and money as a scam. What actually does liberate the people is persecuted and dreams of individuals are lost. See, most people fear freedom. Jesus encountered it. Some because it threatens their position, and others because it threatens their definition of security.

Jesus said the world would hate us because of the message of freedom He brings. That rings similar to what I see as the freedom Network Marketing brings. It is a new frontier and the world doesn't want to see it birth. But, do you realize millions of Americans have been in one or more of these. If all the rest of the people would stop tearing them down, maybe they'd actually get the lifestyle of their dreams.

Jesus sent the disciples out to spread the good news. Aren't we doing the same?

Receiving Crowns

Sometimes, as we journey through this temporal life, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that we Christians not only are afforded eternity, but rewards for our time here. As I listened to the teaching at my home fellowship this week, we touched on the five crowns. One in particular struck me: the crown of righteousness.

henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give to me at that day; and not to me only, but also to all them that have loved his appearing.
(2 Timothy 4:8)

At first, as the teacher spoke of how she longed for His appearing, I was convicted that I may long to be with my Lord, but I do not long for His "coming". While she could look into the sunset and rejoice that it could be this very moment, I could not say I have done the same. Moreover, I have not done it properly as to receive this crown. Another translation helps me understand why:

So a crown will be given to me for pleasing the Lord. He judges fairly, and on the day of judgment he will give a crown to me and to everyone else who wants him to appear with power.
(2 Timothy 4:8)

See, I merely wanted to escape this life and be in Heaven. I was being self-centered and focused on my own toil and trial. What Jesus is telling us here is that we must long for the day when the earth is forever changed. When he comes "with power" to end wars and famines and troubles. I must look to His plan for the world as something far greater than my speck of time on this earth.

Do you long for Christ to come in power and glory? Do you rejoice at the knowledge that His plan will most certainly unfold and give HIM glory? Consider your focus when you think of meeting Jesus, and consider the end of the ages.

As we study the book of Revelation, for the first time it is a refreshing knowledge. I truly am blessed at it says I should be. Because I now believe in His power and His plan over my own.

Grace and Boundaries

I found a divergence in my Wednesday bible study to be of interest. One person, then another began to question forgiveness. The beginning of this discussion came from a person pained by someone else's inability to admit when they are wrong. Her immediate conclusion is that this person is not following Christ if they can't do what is right. The Pastor made a good point, that what we do is between God and I and ultimately forgiveness is our job.

I wanted to take it further, but knew the Pastor wanted to refocus on the lesson. What I was reminded of is our stubborn need to be right. What I heard was the desire to attack a person's Christianity simply because they are wrong.

My good friend and sponsor in Celebrate Recovery often reminds me that we are all broken people, and we will all fall short at some point. I've been attacked before by my own family, saying I don't follow Christ simply because I made some bad choices.

How would that make you feel? That could destroy a person's faith. Stay away from attacking a person and learn to set boundaries. Don't let your own pain be a path for destroying others. Instead learn to be healthy and recognize that we neither are always right nor do we need to be.

Our heavenly Father is our source of worth. Not the agreement of someone else. And, when we fully find our worth in Him, we can learn to identify the wrong and set a boundary that will keep us safe from further wrong.

Job's Friends Today

As I sat in bible study today, I began to challenge the group to remember that while prayer is important and powerful, God uses people to answer prayer. That to simply pray God would comfort the suffering is to miss the point of Jesus' ministry. WE are to comfort the suffering as God's arms and ears. We are to provide through our abundance and gratitude. God uses people and He never intended us to walk alone.

My class simply debated with the typical religious answers that have been indoctrinated in so many over the years. Pray more. Give more. Seek God more. Sin less. Sounds to me like Job's friends who started out right by listening and ended up offending God by rambling solutions that do not reflect knowledge of His ways.

I have suffered and I have reached out. And, constantly I am faced with these "Job's Friends" answers that are shallow. I am looking for authenticity and so is God. That is what God saw in Job, among other things. He saw a man who was authentic with himself, his God and his friends.

We lack authenticity in our churches today. And, once again, I am finding I must keep looking for that rare church who can operate in authenticity so that love may abound more completely and correctly.

The Silent Voices

"Ours is a culture that emphasizes cure, or, short of that, immediate relief from symptoms, so that we can carry on with our busy lives. Unfortunately, in our cultural denial of the reality of chronic illness and disability, we frequently silence the voices of those who cannot deny it." -- Marsha Saxton and Florence Howe

What a poignant statement this quote makes by two persons likely to have been silenced in their suffering too. I think it really addresses two audiences. Those who are ill and those who tend to avoid the ill.

First, for those who do suffer illness that is chronic, how much grace must we allow ourselves to keep from wanting to be part of that busy lifestyle again. Second, how many times has those with busy lifestyles failed to recognize the true meaning of ministry by forsaking business to "bear one another's burdens."

Which one are you? Are you striving to be society's success poster only to find yourself chronically knocked down. I urge you to give yourself the permission to rest and live at the pace God has ordained for you in this season. Or are you constantly seeking new personal achievements or filling hours with work and family, forgetting that all of the body of Christ is our family. Have you once invited the hurting to your dinner table and taught your children the value of mercy?

I am one who could possibly be labeled chronically ill. Do I shout from the mountaintops my woes. I used to. Because I wanted help. In God's grace, I have learned to walk in gratefulness and wisdom for those He points me to build such relationship with. But, I still find myself angry at those who pass me and many others like me by, simply because they have filled their schedule with more than enough obligations and activities.

We should all, regardless of health, operate our lives on such a level that we are NEVER to busy to welcome the less gifted into our lives. Ministry such as this resonates the second commandment, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Without demonstration of the second commandment in your life, people will always doubt the reality of the first, "Love God..."!

Remember how Jesus told one fellow how to identify his neighbor in the Bible? He gave an illustration of a Samaritan helping a beaten, dying man. A Samaritan. To a Jew, this was like saying blasphemer in a sense. How much deeper we could go with that one illustration. But, my point today is, give all you've got to keep not just the first commandment at heart, but the second one as well. They belong together, as do both the hurting and the well.

The Not So Obvious Road

I was reading a devotional today where the writer is studying Orpah. You know, the infamous quitter, as we've been taught. She is the one in the story of Ruth who chose to return to her forefathers as suggested. She went the other way, not to the land of the new God she had discovered in Naomi's family, but back where she grew up.

The word return, this writer says, indicates a returning but not necessarily to the way things were before. Imagine that, choosing the route of taking the message of Israel to a foreign land. Which decision really is harder?

It makes me think how sometimes God wants us to do a U-turn for His name's sake and repeat what we had escaped. Not like a dog returning to its vomit, but as a tiny light shining in the darkness. Alone. Without backup. How Orpah must have endured scorn and rejection, and we must wonder, did her faith hold up. Only heaven knows. But, I think Orpah went the direction God told her to, and sustained her in it.

Ruth moved to a land full of those of like faith, and she ministered there, becoming the lineage of Jesus Christ. But, Orpah, at the same time moved upon a people who no longer shared the same faith. She had a better way, and could very well have saved the otherwise lost.

Don't always choose a life of ministering to other Christians. If God is calling you to minister to the non-Christians, know it is a valid and needed calling. While God works within the body of Christ, we must also work from without.

The Purpose in Storms

Each day this spring, I have sat numerous times a day on my front porch and admired the huge oak tree in my front yard. I have watched it bud and blossom with leaves, until recently I noticed the leaves had withered and many had died. I pondered the need for some personal attention, perhaps some individual watering with the hose.

But then came the rains. Not just a drizzle or rainy day. But torrential downpours. And, guess what? My oak tree is blossoming and well fed.

I pondered then that the downpours came only with great storms and hazardous weather. What we may cringe to endure, that tree welcomed for survival.

Do you think perhaps we should change our perspective of storms in our lives? The rain we need to grow to our fullest comes only in the greatest storms.

God is mysterious in how He works. But, today, I hope to welcome the biggest storms in my life, for its sustaining watering of my soul will help me endure the dry summer ahead.

The Opportunity

What an extraordinary quote I happened upon in my personal journal today. It seemed timely and worth repeating:

"When Heaven is silent, my resources are depleted, and I am asked to simply "accept" the trial I'm facing. I have an opportunity to realize the depths of God's peace."

I leave you to ponder this.

The Vow Ring

Today I stopped at Mardels and bought a ring. I put it on the left ring finger to symbolize a vow I made to the Lord. I vowed, in this time of healing from divorce, not to date for a period of time. I asked Him to not only be my husband, as scripture describes, but to teach me how to be a proper wife and what to look for in a proper husband.

It resembles what teenagers today wear as a purity ring. But, for me, it is more than abstaining from sex. It is a commitment to look upward rather than outward for my satisfaction, fulfillment and provision. I truly want a more intimate friendship with Jesus and that is where we have started. He is closer to me than ever before and I can only imagine where that will go as I keep this commitment and seek Him only.

Scripture says the number one commandment is to seek Him with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. I have not always had Him in that first position as I married before I met Him. Today, I hope to encourage those who have taken similar vows. And, encourage those who are already married to reassess who is their true number one, and to act in one accord with such a command.

Listening and Rest

Lately, I've begun a habit of stilling myself, usually outside on my porch and simply saying "God, I'm listening." I quiet my mind by meditating on nature and simply listen for anything God wants to say.

Yesterday, as I sat in a church prayer garden, I did the same. I noticed a wasp buzzing among the brush behind. I thought to myself, "Lord, is it looking for a place of rest, or is it simply buzzing around to busy itself." Only moments later it struck me as a profound statement.

I wonder how many times in this season of rest, physically and spiritually, that I have simply striven to find something to distract me. I wonder how many times I have looked for something to fill my life merely to busy myself. God calls us to rest and that requires physical and spiritual changes in our lives to make it necessary.

I resolved, as I felt so by the Lord, to simply read the Word. I felt God was saying I needed a fresh intake of His Word. I agreed to read the Word, and without coming to Him with any desire to take away. In other words, I was not to read with the plan in mind of writing on my blog or sharing some deep insight. I was simply to read and enjoy getting to know Him.

In this season of my life, I desire to know Him as husband and friend. The more I listen and seek true rest, I realize it is petty to seek someone else to fill the void in my life. Christ is all I need. I may know that in my mind, but my heart strives against it. In return, I am his wife and friend. Imagine that, being married to the king and friends with God.

I seek such a place of rest, where I never doubt provision or help with my hurts, habits and hang-ups. I seek His yoke upon me so that it will be light and easy to bear.

Be Flexible

As I sat on my porch in silence waiting upon the Lord, there was a strong wind. I pondered the trees and how they swayed in the wind. The branches flowed freely with the winds, no matter how strong, and did not break. If they had remained stiff, they would have snapped off. Our life, I thought is like that tree, who must be willing to move with the wind. We must allow our leaves to receive the wind, because wind stimulates the leaves on a tree and results in a stronger trunk. Our trunk must be strong and firmly rooted. Our roots are Christ.

This scripture came to mind, The wind blows wherever it wishes; you hear the sound it makes, but you do not know where it comes from or where it is going. It is like that with everyone who is born of the Spirit." (John 3:8)

While the contextual meaning illuminates Christ's teaching on being born again, this carries a personal meaning to me as well. While the Spirit does not leave me without hearing, I am often walking without seeing. I feel the Spirit always gives me warning of changes in life, but He does not always give me the direction from which it will come or to where it will take me.

Life truly must be one day at a time, and daily interaction and listening to my Heavenly Father through the Spirit is essential. There are many distractions in this world, and many opportunities to distract me from His ultimate will.

In the Christian twelve-step program, Celebrate Recovery, reminds me, I must not only commit my life and will to Him, I must also reserve daily time with Him to know His will for my life.

Qualifying Leaders

Today, I realized that many who counsel or lead in other professions have qualified themselves by their schooling and success, rather than their life experience. Scripture says that God qualifies the minister, not man. I am a minister because in my experiences I can offer far better care than that of a counselor who has never seen the depths that I have.

I speak of this today because of a comment made to me about taking a job. The comment was given as though any job is better than no job, and that this job must be God's provision. But, in the case of someone who needs support, a job that takes one away from that support is no job at all. It is a distraction of the enemy. I resent that statement and now find I must ponder more closely forgiveness.

The world's definition of a qualified minister fails us more often than not. Will the world ever change to recognize the truly qualified, or must we always have degrees and badges with prerequisites of perfection?

I am a minister. I minister through service. I minister to those in my path. I especially find 12 step groups a place of mutual ministry where no badge is required and the care given far exceeds that of a degreed counselor.

Amen.

Usefulness vs Leadership

The following quotes hit home today with how I have approached my faith lately. I have a physical illness I must manage. Because of this illness, I find my dreams waning as I can no longer look towards that great corporate career or ministerial position.

I've taken to finding the smallest ways to serve, and doing them with great passion and gratitude. In this, I resolve God's character will flow into and through me moreso than my talents and skills flowing out for others. Make sense?

So, I share these quotations with that in mind. My goal is to serve. My mindset is one towards inner change that will enable me to lead by serving rather than lead by leading.

"The world cannot always understand one's profession of faith, but it can understand service." -- Ian Maclaren

"It is not the possession of extraordinary gifts that makes extraordinary usefulness, but the dedication of what we have to the service of God." -- Frederick William Robertson

"The Lord doesn't ask about your ability, only your availability; and, if you prove your dependability, the Lord will increase your capability." -- Author Unknown

This blog is my outpouring of a heart that loves to write and ponder scripture, as well as life. However, my life is not about writing. My life is about getting my hands dirty and finding every opportunity to serve.

Meeting Jesus

I often wonder what it would be like to meet Jesus in person, in the flesh, as teacher and rabbi. I wrote this poem, and though not my typical posting, wanted to share it.

JESUS

Majestic he stands
with dignity he speaks
Eyes watch as he moves
Bodies respond at his command

Like the rhythm of water
rushing against rocks
His words stroke my mind
leaving their indelible marks

Humble he walks
Strong he talks
Talent he draws
from his students' hearts

Inspired by his grace
Driven by his praise
my mind yields to give my best
without fear of its test

Intuitively he reacts
Distinctly he moves
Shaking the room
with his presence

Free From Bitterness

I have been pondering the concept of bitterness, and not only God's definition of it, but His remedy. I surmise that bitterness is in itself a deep level of distress or anguish over something that in essence distorts the way one sees and reacts to things.

Take a look at this scripture. Depending on whether you've experienced bitterness or not, it may be hard to come to agreement with those who have, on how to interpret this event in the life of Hannah.

This went on year after year; whenever they went to the house of the LORD, Peninnah would upset Hannah so much that she would cry and refuse to eat anything. Her husband Elkanah would ask her, "Hannah, why are you crying? Why won't you eat? Why are you always so sad? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" One time, after they had finished their meal in the house of the LORD at Shiloh, Hannah got up. She was deeply distressed, and she cried bitterly as she prayed to the LORD. Meanwhile, Eli the priest was sitting in his place by the door.
(1 Samuel 1:7-9)

I bolded two phrases in this verse. In the verses prior, it speaks to how Hannah received a double portion from Elkanah despite her barren womb. In the verses following, we see Elkanah treating Hannah with the same graciousness. But, here in the midst, I believe we see the effects of bitterness upon Hannah's soul. On one side, the way she responded may seem childish. On the other hand, the way she responded seems understandable.

Speaking towards the understandable, I can relate to Hannah's response. And, I take a leap in saying how she felt at this moment in time. For a long time, Hannah has been sad. And, such statements as the second one bolded would be so horribly cruel and selfish. Or so it would seem to the embittered soul. I've always thought this statement of Elkanah was selfish. Certainly, it is a bitter shallow but it is not cruel or meant to cause greater grief.

I applaud Hannah for her response. She prayed wholeheartedly to the Lord. And, I think she prayed knowing that she had become bitter. I believe it is her confession to her Lord that opened the door for Him to open her womb. Bitterness first crushes you, then when you find yourself it's victim knowingly, it humbles you. Being both the victim and victor of bitterness is a solid way to create the kind of heart that could sincerely and sacrificially pray for a child as Hannah did. Hannah was crushed under its weight and freed by God's love and attention.

I have been there. I have been bitter. And seen how it colors all you hear and see, especially in those I love. I confessed my bitterness but I did not wait upon the Lord to heal and restore what it had destroyed, namely my marriage. But, today, I am free of that bitterness. I mourn what it destroyed but I rejoice in what God's healing has revealed in my heart. Today, I stand encouraged at the degree of servanthood, sacrifice and gratitude that shines from within. God can do amazing things even when we thought we had given up and messed up. He is a redeemer and a healer. Praise the Lord!

Led By Peace

It seems I have not been as inspired in the past couple weeks to write on a specific scripture. But, rather, I wish to simply share and remind of a principle. We are to be led by God's peace. Always. In all things.

I find God's peace most distinguishable in trying times. Sound backwards? But isn't it true that in circumstances or issues where we have emptied ourselves of trying and expectation it is more certain what we are experiencing is not self gratifcation but truly the peace that passes all understanding?

This has been a long season of trial for me, though in the past 3 months, I think I have found God's peace most recognizable. It comes when I'm "on the right track", or when I have done something to overcome, or perhaps even pleased Him. For me, this time is a time of "doing the next right thing."

I truly find I cannot look to the future for it scares me with all the possibilities for things going wrong. I do not forsee the storm lifting anytime soon, but I do see Him in the storm calling me to take that next step, and not be faithless.

Peace, for me, always comes when I least expect it. It is the kind that can almost bring me to tears for its sweetness. And, it always congratulates on finding "the next right thing" or calms when I worry what the future holds. But, it is rarely a result of my seeking it but rather it comes, for me, as a gift. One given in its own timing by a giver desiring to surprise and delight.

These thoughts remind me of my experience of His joy. I will write more on the true, enduring joy of God in a later post, for it too is indescribable.

A Faithless Generation

And someone from the crowd answered him, "Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able." And he answered them, "O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me."
(Mark 9:17-19)

As Jesus declares the people faithless, I don't linger much on the power of the enemy, nor really the power of God that delivers us. It is not faith in that power. It is simple to believe God, and even Jesus, has the power. The faithlessness, in my opinion, that Jesus refers to here is much like that of his reproval of the Pharisees. It is an unrepentant heart and lack of knowledge of God's character in our hearts. God desires to be known for who He is, not only now but even in the time of the Law. What was happening behind the scenes with that father? Did he obey the Law? Did he teach his son God's statutes? Did he revere God as Lord and Savior even then? Even the Israelites had a Savior. David obviously saw God's redemptive desires and character well before Christ came in the flesh. Is not our humble adoration and trustful patience in affliction enough to see the hand of God move?

May you know your true standing as a child of God - not for acquiring power but receiving love; not for knowing the operating rules of the spiritual realm, but for the weapons of God which encompass love between and within us. The greatest of these is love. Faith and hope come second!

Warning the Pharisees

"When the unclean spirit has gone out of a person, it passes through waterless places seeking rest, but finds none. Then it says, 'I will return to my house from which I came.' And when it comes, it finds the house empty, swept, and put in order. Then it goes and brings with it seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they enter and dwell there, and the last state of that person is worse than the first. So also will it be with this evil generation."
(Matthew 12:43-45)

Most interpretations I read focus on this being the state of a man, namely one that is unrepentant. I think it also illustrates the fall of a nation illustrated by something the audience had likely witnessed, demonization. The key here is when a man returns to his old ways with a lack of true heart change, in the man or nation, his unrepentenant state is worse than the previous. Being declared an empty vessel is a clue but being swept and put in order without being filled is the indication of pride and rebellion. I imagine the Pharisees witnessed deliverance, or even performed it, but failed to convert the recipient for lack of imparting the true knowledge of God necessary to change. A knowledge they themselves obviously overlooked.

Now, a "worse condition" does not always mean visible torment. It could mean a greater stronghold of pride and lust for power, such as the Pharisees exhibited. It is in a contrite heart that our spiritual enemy creates torment. But in a heart willing to bend to evil, I imagine the demon finds the rest it seeks.

From a spiritual warfare perspective, of that taught in charismatic circles today, I think this passage is too easily simplified. It is as though such a reader is looking for more rules with which to place you and God in a box. It is inexplicable to me how many teachers today, in the name of deliverance, scare sincere Christians into facing or fighting the enemy. Why not focus on our failure to teach soundly of God's character, as with the Pharisees, rather than using fear to bring submission? The hope in this message is that the repentant heart is safe and secure.

How can we forget the many promises and declarations such as in Psalms 32:7, 37:29, 34:19, 91:10-11 and Nahum 1:7? God is characterized as a protector, a fortress and reliable in time of trouble.

Fortunately, God does not pronounce judgment upon the repentant because of Jesus Christ. May you know the safety of your Lord's arms above and beyond any trouble, spiritual or physical. May you know the Lord knows your name, and that He will never fail to meet you in the place of need. He is persistent and purposeful - meditate on Job 8:20-21 today!

Dogs Eat Crumbs

I was reading a fellow writer's dialogue and I came across an interpretation of a scripture I have pondered for some time.

(Mar 7:26-28) Now the woman was a Gentile, a Syrophoenician by birth. And she begged him to cast the demon out of her daughter. And he said to her, "Let the children be fed first, for it is not right to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs." But she answered him, "Yes, Lord; yet even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs."

When Christ was approached by this woman, he was reaffirming His call to the Jews, but was confronted with a woman who understood more than His mission. She knew His character. She knew Jews saw Gentiles as dogs, yet she believed even more that Jesus was God and therefore personified His mercy and love for all people. I wonder what she experienced and learned to have come to know this. Obviously, she had truly eaten of the crumbs of the table of the Jews enough to have fallen in love with God's glory and power.

Moreso, this scripture illustrates the nature of the Gentiles approach to God. They, like dogs, acted on instinct and not the Law. This could be looked upon favorably or not so favorably. On one hand, what better people for God to "inscribe His laws on their hearts," for they were not trapped in the Law. On the other hand, Jesus respected the Law and its intent, to show the sheer depravity within us through sin. Jesus was reproving and praising at the same time.

In the now, let's be reminded that knowledge of God's character is supreme to our walk of faith. The world, maybe even God, will challenge us as we strive to live a life not characterized by the norm or standards of man.

Thank you, Lord, for your redemptive work. Thank you for making the message clear to us that all people are welcome to partake of your laws and blessings.

--

Let's take this a bit further tonight. Think on who was rich in God and who was poor. The religious of the day, Pharisees, had God's law and God's presence in their temple. But, take a look at this scripture, and be reminded of God's judgment upon the rich man (in hell in torment).

"There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man's table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores.
(Luke 16:19-21)

Could Christ have been reproving the religious as well by delivering this woman's daughter? Her example is profound in that God's message was always the same. He always welcomed the penitent and devout to His table, throughout scripture. The religious of the day withheld a precious message to those Gentiles who came to "eat crumbs" from their blessed table of abundance. I imagine God's plan for Israel far exceeded simply bringing the Law, that even before His plan for Christ, Israel was to be a nation set as an example for bringing even more children into God's kingdom. Imagine Christ's dissapointment and fathom God's redemption in light of this!

The Law of Progress

My mother sent me this poem and I just had to post it, as it is very encouraging and so insightfully written.

Written By: Pierre Tellhard de Chardin

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skp the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet it is the law of progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability -
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually - let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.

Don't try to force then on,
as though you could be today what time
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming within you will be.
Give your Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you.
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

Joy Is A Choice

I am currently reading a book called, "Big Girls Don't Whine." It is eloquently written to remind us grown women that "little girl ways" are not the best ways. It has helped me identify areas of my life where I still need to grow up, and it has inspired me to make change. I am so awed at the love God has placed in my heart for Him - it truly fuels me. I am grateful for His changes in my heart to seek Him with genuine love and less with selfish need.

Tonight, I had a choice. Faced with some trying circumstances, I could choose to pine in fear or I could choose to walk with joy and faith. I truly had not seen that in this particular area I was more of a little girl than a big girl. I choose to grow up.

In my weakness, He is strong. What meaning that has to me tonight. The circumstances I am in stretch me more than I feel I can bear. While God would have found a way to teach me what I am learning, I realize now my choices in the past have made it a much bigger deal than necessary. But, in God's grace, and with my concious choice to be joyful, I finally feel His strength to carry on.

This is the day the Lord has made, and I will rejoice in it.

Peace and strength to all those who feel stretched beyond their capacity. Faith to believe He will provide regardless of our past choices. May He make good of all things in your life.

Bear Another's Burdens

There are many scriptures that come to mind about ministering to those in the body who hurt and are frail. While I see more of the scriptures alive in my church body in this small town, I still do not see it to the extent necessary.

Scripture says to "bear one another's burdens", to "weep with those who weep". This is an entering in to the world of another believer enough to lighten their load and express acceptance. It is more than giving a card, it is giving a hand up from the pits. It is not something left only to Pastors, but a responsbility of the body as interdependent beings.

It is easy to accept the idea for many that scripture speaks of our gifts operating in a portion like the part of a body. But, that scripture says one person is a portion of the body for more reasons than just what they can contribute. It also speaks to how we must receive. Comfort, provision, love - all these things and more God promises us. But, don't you suppose he needs us to do those things. Aren't we His body who functions with Him as head?

When a person is suffering, don't simply stop at a compassionate glance or conversation. Enter into their life. Help with the things that become heavy burdens, even washing dishes or clothes, paying bills, cooking meals. Be determined to lift the burden, to bear it with them. It does not refer to quiet prayers in a sequestered prayer closet. It refers to getting our hands dirty with the daily burdens that make life possible.

Better yet, start this today, without a person having reached a point of suffering. Why not enter into each others' lives when a single day needs a helping hand before things get to a place of suffering.

Think of the great opportunity we have in this society. In a country where families are not so close-knit (geographically and emotionally) and falling apart, we have the chance to build a true church of real family-goers. I believe proximity and Christ is our determination of the family that should care for each other. To pass off someone to a distant blood relative is downright cowardice and contrary to scripture. Our true family is those close enough to minister as a part of our lives.

Blessings to those who realize more fully Christ's commendation to those who meet the simple, physical needs of a person struggling to get by. My commendation to those who enter into others' lives and are not afraid to get their hands dirty in menial tasks. Let's not be so super-spiritual that we forget what simple tasks must get done each day to afford our fine living in America. Let's bear each others' burdens!

David and God's Character

Don't you love how you can read the same scriptures or stories repeatedly and even the simplest of ideas or mentions can escape your attention. Today, I realize that I had always thought the statement about David as one "after my own heart" in Acts 13:22 meant David was fashioned to have God's heart. But, in light of seeing the sins He committed, I believe it is more read to say that David intensely sought to know God, to know His heart and ways, if not thoughts.

He knew His God better than most, even before the coming of Christ. He seemed to understand, like when reading Psalms 51, that God was merciful and forgiving. Moreso, that God desired a "contrite heart" more than sacrifice. Yet, David complied with sacrifices because that is how God instituted it for a nation to be absolved of their guilt and sin.

Based on the prophecies found in David's songs, it is obvious that he understood a higher way with the LORD. He did not know Christ, but he knew God's character more fully. He seemed to bypass the religious tendency to place ritual above God himself. Amazing to me how even when others see the Old Testament as the picture of an angry God, I am graced to see God's true nature even then.

Some say the Old Testament was an incomplete picture of God, and the New Testament is a clearer picture of His nature. But, I see all of God in the Old Testament, just and merciful, holy and loving. The New Testament is not a completion of the picture, it is God's infinite desire to reach us yet again with an even greater and more demonstrative picture of His love for us.

A Sweet Smell

Today in church service, a young man gave a story about his mother, who has been battling cancer for years. His mother has been near death, and recently continues to say there is someone in the room with her. Her family does not see this person. But, she says "He smells so good." The family believes it is Christ who visits in this time, with the sweet frangrance that Christ carries. It was so heartwarming. They even have a photo of this aura resting near her face, that they believe is an angel, or perhaps I think, even His presence. The young man nearly wept as he told of this, and commented, "If you are not a believer yet, then listen to my story."

My Pastor continued to comment to me later that there are many stories like this he knows or has witnessed regarding people in Hospice care. It is richly true that the church I attend is full of His love, as many witness such miraculous instances of God's grace in our community.

This winter I experienced it myself. Around 7pm on a Saturday, I felt a strong presence in my room. And, at times, it seemed that I'd walk through that presence and I would laugh and weep with joy as I experienced. About an hour later, I heard loud booms outside my house and after two of them I opened my door to find the house across the street blazing on fire. Three fire engines were sent on my street, parked in front of my door, to put the fire out as it engulfed not only the house but the cars in the driveway. I was awed that not only was God saying He was here to protect that family, but also to protect me. The angel I sensed in my room came at about the time this ferocious fire started!!

Blessings to all who believe in a God loving enough to send His angels to watch over you.

God In Every Moment

Just a brief note that I wrote in my journal today:

It seems that God is not just relational but very personable. He wants to share in our sufferings, our pleasures, our habits, because His love is strong enough to overcome all things. And, we are not in our own right strong enough. Because of Jesus, He can be in every moment, evil or not, without condemnation or anger. He can help us in ways not possible because His Spirit lives in us, and we have accepted Jesus' work on the cross as penance enough. Thank you, God, for making that possible through your sacrifice on the cross.

Given A Portion

One thing that ministered to me as I spoke the Lord's words to a friend the other night, is that we are all given a PORTION of His Spirit and His giftings. Like the scripture that says we are all parts of the body, and literally uses the idea of being a hand or foot or ear. But, here is how I presented it to my friend.

She struggled to feel useful or even progressive in her walk with God. She also said she didn't feel very good because she couldn't consistently be Jesus to people. I asked her if she knew her gifts and reminded her of this scripture. I told her that she wasn't Jesus because Jesus walked in the fullness of all the gifts. We walk IN Christ, not as Christ. We minister AS Christ did WITHIN the portion we are given.

In other words, we are given specific, or a portion of, gifts to minister to the body that ultimately makes it necessary to rely on others for the fullness. In particular, I pointed out our true search should be asking God to strengthen us in the way He has gifted us, rather than expecting to be able to minister in other ways.

I thought of the prayer of Jabez, and how he prayed for God to enlarge his territory. Such a prayer must be done with the understanding that we still minister in the giftings we have -- not as a whole, but as a part. We can achieve much and find greater peace when we seek to be strengthened in the areas God has gifted us. We find contention and dissatisfaction when we try to attain to ways of ministering that are not placed within us. That is envy at work.

So, what is your gift that God wishes to use? Are you satisfied in that gift? And, if not, is it time to enlarge your territory? If so, pray for it to happen, but keep it in the context of how God has created you.

Let me give you a personal illustration. I have spent my entire life in a upper middle class suburban setting, always without major financial worry. In the last few years, and especially since my divorce, my financial situation has funneled down to cause me to experience lack rather than abundance. I used to minister with my gift of GIVING and MERCY through monetary means. Now, I have to learn to minister without monetary means as well as receive from others in monetary ways. God is teaching me there is more than one way to GIVE. It has humbled me and taught me that money is not always the answer. You may know that, but do you live it? I am learning to be content in all circumstances like Paul, which is answered prayer. But, the downside of that is I must experience more circumstances to learn that, some of which are not so fun.

May God reveal to you the area in which He has gifted you and empower you to minister and learn to the fullest in this season of your life.

Without Sin?

This is a difficult one to post, as it is an incomplete understanding. More of a pondering, wanting to come to reconciliation with the truth. I have read some but not tons on the ideas of mature theologians. I invite and would love response to this thought. It is a bit of a quandry for many I'm sure.

I begin by saying, is our idea of the point at which God defines something as sin skewed? I say that because I wonder at how Jesus could live without ever telling a single lie. Even to his mother as a young child. Lying is a sin as stated in the Ten Commandments. If Jesus was a perfect child, meaning he never once lied for example, how did the community not recognize Him as special?

I also ponder how someone like David could be "a man after God's own heart." I believe that is a label given Him AFTER some really atrocious acts, deliberate murder and adultery. Is the nature of sin actually the lack of repentance, or a single act of disobedience?

I ask that question, not because I doubt that Jesus was "without sin" as scripture states, but because I wonder how it is possible even the slightest mistake could be avoided in a life of 33 years. How could he never be angry or resentful of a customer who slighted him, or common brotherly fights? Don't mistake this for some foul denial of scripture, but rather a deeper search to understand how it is possible for Jesus to be sinless, considering the way sin is defined in the world today. It is also not a lack of faith that my sins are all accounted for on the cross.

I pondered this with a friend recently, and I also recalled how Jesus was given the Spirit even in the womb. He came out of the womb fully able to commune with God. What that tells me is Jesus had the ability to recognize wrong behaviors in His life so that they never became a stronghold. Is sin really about allowing a stronghold in our hearts that separate us from God? Because that I can fathom. I believe Jesus always was in commune with God from the day of His birth.

Just some thoughts to purge my soul and seek His face with respect and patience as the answer becomes clear. I pray that He will lead me to the answer, whether through my own commune, study or that of a more accomplished saint!

My God! says Jesus

There is so much breadth to what I am pondering in this one post. I simply want to post what came to me today, without diving into more on Jesus and sin.

On the cross, Jesus says, twice, "My God!, My God!" When I read it, I ponder this thought. I feel like Jesus is saying, at the point of total silence from God (and hence the full weight of our sin), in my words, "Oh my gosh, is this what it feels like to them, to be completely without your presence, bearing the sin in their souls." It was a realization followed by a realization, perhaps, "You are my God." A declaration of sorts.

As the substitute for us, Jesus follows with "Why have you forsaken me?" I think Jesus in His full humanity, cried that out in true anguish, but not fear. Because He had preceded it with a declaration. Jesus was prepared for this. He obviously had to be. He knew who His God was, He knew the outcome of everything, and He knew His God would save.

That is how I felt in the latest manic episode I endured. I had fear and panic, yes, because I feared for my life - not physical but material. I have a strong will to live. Unlike the early years of this. But, I also know there is a time to heal. Much like how trees shed their leaves for a season of hibernation, the Spring will bring new buds (or fruit) that bear leaves. It is a process of nature that can be reflected in a believer's life. I knew throughout this episode, that God would restore, that God would calm the storm. I was merely impatient at His timing and teaching through it all. And, of course, I still have a bit of craving for material comfort in me, complicating my thoughts and placing fear in my heart.

I am able now to walk through a storm, and draw upon the Spirit to see the good in all things. Because I know God is at work. In this case, I feel His timing to return home to be near family. Something I and they have all longed for. Breaking my ties to the Dallas area is difficult.

I still don't know why it happened this way. Merely that it is not God's way to teach me through such chaos. He could have done it more gently. And, I was not in some type of stubborn rebellion to have caused. I was living peaceable and obediently. I struggled with some wrong behaviors, but I was never out of commune with him. So, all I can say is that I have been in a battle for my life and sanity since I went to the spiritual cult. Hence, I come back to the reality that there is a spiritual battle. But, greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world, human or demon.

I am grateful for many new beginnings, and for the leading and peace of God to get me home to Virginia. There, I know, the cult's influence will be diminished because of lack of proximity, and my pursuit to counter their lies through scripture will become more complete. God has restored my vision for a future, and I look forward to greater peace and joy as I travel from here.

Questions I Ponder

There are many questions I wish to have understanding about. Here are a few on my mind lately.

1) What was it about Jesus' personality or demeanor that made it possible for Him to walk among sinners and be accepted, even moreso than the religious?

2) How is it scripture said Jesus was sinless? How is it possible He never sinned if He was fully human? And, why didn't His hometown recognize Him as the Messiah if He never sinned?

3) Why is it some teach Jesus took all our illness upon Him yet I still suffer physical illness? What is the true meaning of that scripture?

4) How can a person who is fully human bear the enormous pain of the beatings, slashings and crucifixion?

I have thoughts on some of these. Bear with me in future posts as I ponder them over. I'd love to hear your comments and questions.

A New Beginning

As I write today, my first post of this blog, I find I no longer grieve the loss of my previous blog. You may wonder how it was lost. Simply put, I deleted it. I have suffered through bi-polar disorder and depression for the last 15 years of my life. In 2000, I came to know Jesus more personally, and it seems all hell broke loose then in my life. A spiritual struggle? Yes. But, not necessarily a battle with demons, except those in my thought life. What I mean is, the very lies I had believed as I grew up in a world sorely missing Christ's influence, had to be countered. I am an intense person and I intensely pursued the healing of God from depression and bi-polar.

I honestly believe, though submit such belief to God, that depression no longer has a long-term hold on me. It once did. But, the joy and hope that I have sought to combat that more easily fills my heart. I submit that belief because I do not want, in my pride, to say I will never need medicine. I only hope that that certain condition has been resolved and managed by my faith. Not in healing miraculously, but in diligent study and application of God's Word to change how I see myself, others and Him. What I do realize today, is that I have a physical condition in bi-polar that at the least requires medication to avoid the manic highs and panic attacks.

I do not believe a demon inflicts me with such things, as many have tried to teach me. I believe it is my own weakness towards worry and a genetic disposition that I face. Medicine is welcome in my life now. I even finally accepted that with my diabetes. I submit to my doctors, then and now, and believe that God will give us both wisdom in how to improve the quality of my life.

I feel like this blog is a new beginning for me. As I read God's Word these days, my heart is more deeply open to its understanding and truth. I continually rely on those more mature in its study and their walk to help me discern. Especially since I, early on in my Christian life, learned from a cult the twisted truths. This new beginning is like the building on a foundation in the Word I gained immediately following my departure from that cult. It is the next level of finding freedom from their lies and the twisting in my own heart from many years without the Word.

I truly believe the Word of God is living and breathing in me. It finds root now in more fertile soil. But, only in humility and acceptance of my own selfish tendencies, can I truly receive. Please know this blog contains ponderings on scripture, and tough questions I desire answers to. Do not take it as ultimate revelation of scripture, but as a prompt for your own inspiration to dig deeper.

I pray for all of you the same hope and future God has given me as He continually restores and teaches me in His ways. May His thoughts be your thoughts and may you walk in His ways by the empowerment of His Spirit.