As I write today, my first post of this blog, I find I no longer grieve the loss of my previous blog. You may wonder how it was lost. Simply put, I deleted it. I have suffered through bi-polar disorder and depression for the last 15 years of my life. In 2000, I came to know Jesus more personally, and it seems all hell broke loose then in my life. A spiritual struggle? Yes. But, not necessarily a battle with demons, except those in my thought life. What I mean is, the very lies I had believed as I grew up in a world sorely missing Christ's influence, had to be countered. I am an intense person and I intensely pursued the healing of God from depression and bi-polar.
I honestly believe, though submit such belief to God, that depression no longer has a long-term hold on me. It once did. But, the joy and hope that I have sought to combat that more easily fills my heart. I submit that belief because I do not want, in my pride, to say I will never need medicine. I only hope that that certain condition has been resolved and managed by my faith. Not in healing miraculously, but in diligent study and application of God's Word to change how I see myself, others and Him. What I do realize today, is that I have a physical condition in bi-polar that at the least requires medication to avoid the manic highs and panic attacks.
I do not believe a demon inflicts me with such things, as many have tried to teach me. I believe it is my own weakness towards worry and a genetic disposition that I face. Medicine is welcome in my life now. I even finally accepted that with my diabetes. I submit to my doctors, then and now, and believe that God will give us both wisdom in how to improve the quality of my life.
I feel like this blog is a new beginning for me. As I read God's Word these days, my heart is more deeply open to its understanding and truth. I continually rely on those more mature in its study and their walk to help me discern. Especially since I, early on in my Christian life, learned from a cult the twisted truths. This new beginning is like the building on a foundation in the Word I gained immediately following my departure from that cult. It is the next level of finding freedom from their lies and the twisting in my own heart from many years without the Word.
I truly believe the Word of God is living and breathing in me. It finds root now in more fertile soil. But, only in humility and acceptance of my own selfish tendencies, can I truly receive. Please know this blog contains ponderings on scripture, and tough questions I desire answers to. Do not take it as ultimate revelation of scripture, but as a prompt for your own inspiration to dig deeper.
I pray for all of you the same hope and future God has given me as He continually restores and teaches me in His ways. May His thoughts be your thoughts and may you walk in His ways by the empowerment of His Spirit.
As I reread my own posting, I realize that there is one major stronghold in my life I have repented of mightily. I have opened myself up to torment because of it, and I have now closed the spiritual door through repentance. I have asked God repeatedly today what it is I have done, and I know now it was a single choice that gave entrance to such recurrance of the mania. I truly have a predisposition for bi-polar that then enemy has targeted. It is a common struggle for the recently divorced. And I find no condemnation from God or others for it. But it is a spiritual reality found in scripture. That is all I will say. It was God's grace that got me through, His mercy that showed me the error of my ways, and His love that restores me.
ReplyDelete